Dear Perfect Mom,
Every morning I wake up, and I want to be you.
From the moment I open my eyes until my feet hit the floor, being just like you is my mission.
As I slowly make my way to the kitchen to brew that fresh pot of morning goodness, I think of all the things I have to accomplish for the day. As I run the list through my head, I figure out my plan of attack. My goal is to get as much time in with my kids as possible, and try to make it a fun experience, while tying to carry out all that I have to do with them by my side.
It is about then that I recount how I tried this same plan of attack yesterday…. and I failed.
I yelled at my kids for not being quiet while I was on the phone trying to get insurance quotes, because I’m sure I’m being taken advantage of.
I yelled at my kids to stop running through the house when I was taking the clothes out of the dyer, because I almost tripped over them and dropped all the clean clothes on the floor. (The end of the world as you can imagine…I mean all those clothes!)
I was going to do the dishes while my youngest was napping, but the sight of them was making me cranky so I decided to that it would only take me 5 mins. (1 hour later my house was basically all clean.)
It was then time to put my little down for her nap, so I made a list of errands I had to run later that day.
After she woke up we ran to a few stores and I picked up the items that I need for the rest of that week. Once we were home I made dinner while the kids bathed.
I set the timer while they ate dinner because if I don’t they just complain the whole time as well as talk instead of actually eating.
As I tucked them into bed and kissed their little faces, guilt swept over me as I realized that the day was over and I didn’t get to spend as much time with them as I had set out to. You see, after my Ex husband walked out on us, I had to start working full-time to provide for us. This meant I went from being a stay at Home mom, to a single working mother. I went from having every waking minute with my kids to always feeling like it isn’t enough.
I try so hard to make the best of our time together and some days I pass with flying colors. But most days I am left beating myself up because I just can’t measure up to the perfect mom. No matter how hard I try, I can’t be you. All I can be is me, and truthfully I’m done trying. It’s exhausting to keep striving to be just like you, because you….you don’t exist.
I’ve made you up with the judgments I’ve placed on others. I’ve made you up by the articles I’ve seen in magazines. And I’ve made you up by the millions of Pins on Pinterest that I continually electronically hoard. But I just can’t do it anymore! So I’m writing you to say goodbye.
We can’t be frienemies any longer.
No longer will I allow myself to stalk your Facebook and look at all the awesome things you always do with your kids and feel inadequate. No longer will I pin all the articles on Pinterest of just how awesome you are.
From now on I will only compare myself to one mother….the mother I was yesterday. I will no longer strive to be the perfect mother. I will strive to have perfect love for my children. I will strive to love my Savior and ask for His grace daily as I live out my new role as a single, working mother. I will strive to spend more time with my kids, and allow myself to put everything but them on hold. Please understand it’s not that I’m jealous of you, it’s just that you don’t exist. Quiet frankly, and I mean it when I say….It’s not you, it’s me.
A Not So Perfect Mother