Somewhere in the mix from dating, to marriage, to motherhood, I had lost myself. I was so caught up in the roll of wife and mother, that I had lost sight of me. It didn’t happen all at once, in fact it was quiet a slow process. Every now and then I would catch a rare glimpse of who I once was, until one day I just felt completely lost. I knew I had lost me, I just didn’t know how to get myself back.
When you feel your marriage falling apart you take it personal. I mean, how can you not? You immediately go to the, “What is wrong with me?’ questioning.
You strive so hard to hold onto it, that you make yourself into what you think the other person wants. What will make them stay?
This was me.
I began trying so hard to be what I thought my husband wanted me to be, so that he would want to stay. Want to quit drinking. Want to come home at night.
The harsh reality when he left was that not only had I lost my husband, I had lost myself in the mix. So consumed in “Wife and Mom” mode, that it was all that I had become. No longer did I recognize the girl staring back at me in the mirror. I no longer knew who I was.
In that realization, I purposed that I would find myself again. I was going to do whatever it took to rediscover myself.
What did I like?
Or didn’t I like?
What music did I like to listen to?
What type of food did I like to eat?
Clothes did I like to wear?
All these things had been largely influenced by my husband and children. In taking care of my family, I had put all of my wants, and likes on the back burner to make sure everyone else was happy. I had come to realize that what I wanted or liked, rarely lined up with what anyone else in the family liked, so I stopped doing them. And slowly over time, I forgot what it was I even liked in the first place.
I was so lost in those first months after he left. Rebellious even. I did anything that was the opposite of what my Ex liked. Part of me did that as a defense, since doing or being around the things he liked just brought on heartache. But the other part of me was more “Sticking it to the man” in a sense.
After a few months, I finally came to my senses and was tired of the fight. I went on a journey of self discovery. I buried myself in the bible to see who God said I was, and I started taking all the personality tests I could find.
Learning about my personality traits, has helped me not only on the path to self discovery, but in fine tuning my strengths and weakness. You have two options when you learn about your personality.
1.) Have the attitude of, “Deal with it, that’s just my personality.”
2.) Change the things you don’t like about yourself. Create your beautiful.
I forced myself to listen to music that he AND I liked, even though it made me cry. I forced myself to figure out who I was.
But the best part of my journey was that I allowed myself to face my loneliness. Spending the last 3 years on my own has forced me to get to know me. It is the best gift I could have ever given myself.
It’s a dangerous and empowering thing when a woman who was once lost has found out who she is again. That sort of a woman, becomes strong, independent, and beautiful. She has been broken before and allowed herself time to heal. To become whole again. And she wont be so reckless to allow herself to get lost again. She is fierce in her commitment to remain whole.
I allowed God to heal me. To make beauty from these ashes.
I still haven’t really dated since my divorce. But I know that when I do, I will be ready. I will be able to offer someone new, a whole me….not broken pieces.
I know who I am, and for the first time in so long, I love me again.